Seeing someone slowly lose interest in you is probably one of the worst things ever
For anyone reading this, do something productive with your time. You’ve got better things to do with your time then listen to my frustrated ass. Seriously. I’m just down. My debit card with all my money on it got locked because a korean guy stole over half my account, my macbook has effectively broken for awhile and is now a cute $1,000+ paperweight, my printer broke earlier, I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail at least two of my classes and I miss you and have no idea how to explain that to you because words seemingly turn in to mush in my mouth when I think about you.
So yeah, you could say I’m about over everything. You could say I’ve been sitting in my room for the last week or so trying to not make excess contact with anyone because I know they can’t help me fix these types of problems. You could say I’m unenthusiastic about life in general as of late. I don’t have a spine and it’s common knowledge. Not only that, but I’m a motherfucking master at pushing away people who care about me. I feel like because of my past I have to make it up to my parents and I just keep failing them, and then they are like “Hey, we might move” and i’m like “oh….. ” like I wish I had a say in the discussion. I can’t imagine the possibility of leaving this school. I can’t. I don’t feel like I’ve done much here, but these people have given me everything and I just can’t. There’s more I need to do. I have to. I owe it to them.
I just get really anxious and everything hits me at once and I just kind of lock myself away. I’ve been eating less then I normally do because my stomach just hurts off the default, so my effective daily diet has become water, half of a meal, and nicotine. Picking up my phone hearing my boy is probably going to jail for DUI’s, thinking I’m selfish for sitting here bitching about my problems.Physically, mentally, emotionally, I’m just burnt out.
And my bosses looked at our staff today like “You’re all are good role models and this upcoming year we will work to make sure you become the person you want to be.” That’s hilarious. A role model? No. I’m a gifted actor with a Grammy-worthy facade in public who is able to be social when needed. I will make you laugh uncontrollably, but don’t get too close. You will not enjoy what you find.
"Best Day Ever" by Mac Miller just started playing and I just started crying. Wow. I’m a pussy. I didn’t even cry when my great grandma died and I’m crying right now. Fuck me. I remember listening to my first Mac song, and getting my entire school in to him. Back when Best Day Ever was about to drop in like three months. I don’t know. Shout out to the MacHeads. That’s family. Everybody say music takes you back. And right now I’m back. I’m back to the fun the homies had before they got responsibilities and we all graduated and half of them don’t care to even throw a text anymore. I’m back to when you convinced me we could work this out, and then ended it for another dude and convinced me that I’m a piece of shit. I’m back to when I took your opinion and ran with it and drank myself to almost death every night for a semester. I’m back to the nights we ran around owning the city, blaring Wiz and Mac and whatever we needed to to convince us we were the invincible art school mob. I’m back to my mom sitting across from me at the kitchen table when I almost flipped my car for the second time crying, telling me she doesn’t know what to do anymore. Shit, that’s both of us now momma. I swear I’m trying.
I’m back to getting a second chance at college and feeling like I consistently fuck it up.I’m back to not understand how dating works, back to not understanding how guys can just “pick up” chicks when it’s hard enough for me letting people “in” to where I feel comfortable enough to even consider dating them. Back to not understanding why people have so much faith in me when I want to scream at them you don’t know me, you haven’t seen me you can’t imagine who I was and who I think I still am but am too scared to admit. Back to my feeling like you’re one of the only people who ever sort of saw that side of me and how we currently have troubles talking because I’m a fucking idiot. Back to seeing everyone get internships and job opportunities when I’m sitting here worried I won’t even be able to finish my degree period. Back to long sleepless nights.
I don’t know. I’m out for a cigarette. Just the rantings and lifestyle of a kid you probably don’t even know in real life.
Stay classy, you beautiful people of Tumblr.